Sunday, September 30, 2012
Drunk I'm Not...
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Judas and the 'Big Picture'
It's time once again to drop some knowledge on you freaks and, somewhere in the process, alienate some people.
It would seem that pissing people off is one of my specialties. Who knew?
On with it then...
For starters, people have a tendency to assume that since I'm Agnostic/borderline Atheist that I've never read the Bible.
They couldn't be more wrong.
This "Bible" is more or less the very reason why I hate religion as a whole. It's also the reason I once got kicked out of a Barnes & Noble. That's a story for another time though...
Anyway...case in point:
Ever stop to think that Judas got a bad rap when he was really probably trying to save Jesus?
Probably not. In fact, here’s a bit of interesting biblical trivia:
Probably not. In fact, here’s a bit of interesting biblical trivia:
In Luke 24:33 and Mark 16:14 it clearly states that when Jesus rose from the dead he met with ‘the eleven.’ Most people assume that the missing disciple was Judas, who was supposed to have killed himself out of remorse for his act of betrayal. However, in John 20:24 we learn that the missing disciple was Thomas. So … that means that the other eleven included Judas. And in 1 Corinthians 15:5 the Apostle Paul says that Matthias wasn’t voted in as the replacement twelfth Apostle until forty days after the Resurrection. So … Judas was still there. Again. In fact, in Acts 1:25 we learn that Judas ‘turned aside to go to his own place'.
People don’t read the whole Bible. They don’t get the Big Picture. Judas’s death was a fake, and considering that God ordained his betrayal, and Jesus predicted it, Judas was acting according to the will of God. He wasn’t a traitor—he was a company man who did the right goddamn thing, even though it was the hard goddamn thing to do. He was a Big Picture guy.
So, I ask you...is it still a betrayal when Jesus knew it was coming?
Let the hate-mail commence.
Random Shit That Pisses Me Off
1. Pedestrians
2. Stupid people
3. Westboro Baptist Church
4. Illegal immigration
5. Justin Bieber
6. Outsourcing
7. Jersey Shore
8. Glee
9. Anti-military idiots
10. Gov. Jerry Brown
11. God
12. Toddlers & Tiaras
13. President Obama
14. Your mom
15. People who feel the need to cheat to get ahead
16. People who can’t spell and/or use bad grammar
17. Kansas City Chiefs
18. AT&T Wireless
19. McDonald’s
20. Chargers fans
21. PETA
22. The guy who took a shit on the hood of my car in high school
23. The Air Force
24. People who physically/mentally/sexually abuse children
25. Racism
26. White counter-tops in the kitchen
27. Bridezillas
28. People who put their kid on a leash in public
29. People at WalMart
30. Prejudice
31. People who sexually/physically/mentally abuse women
32. Homophobes
33. The Tea Party
34. Ron Paul
35. Anti-gay rights morons
36. People who vote against the legalization of marijuana
37. The fact that Starbucks doesn’t believe in small, medium, & large
38. Fanboys
39. People who bring a cart load of stuff through the '10 Items or Less' line
40. People who can't park right
41. Scientists that think the world will end in some way in December
42. NFL Commissioner
43. ESPN.com for forcing people to pay if they want to view their articles
44. Microsoft
45. Clowns
46. People who aren't smart enough to realize that I'm ALWAYS right
47. Idiots that wanna kill themselves over 'cyber-bullying'
48. Facebook apps
49. Sacha Baron Cohen
50. At least 50% of all Military spouses (dependapotamus/dependaho)
51. You
Random...
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Saturday, September 22, 2012
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